Pirate jokes are humorous anecdotes and entertaining commentary on pirates, life at sea, and maritime adventures. Pirates are rogues and scoundrels of the highest order. There are very few professions that narrow the divide between reality and fantasy the way pirating does. Pirate jokes take this beloved group of scallywags and add a touch of humor that ranges from schoolyard quips and dad jokes to those of a more adult persuasion.
The scope offered by pirate jokes affords you all manner of directions that suit many different comedy styles. The best pirate jokes are those that are easy to remember and suitable for a wide-ranging audience. You don’t need to be afraid of cracking out a few pirate jokes when you’re visiting your granny, hanging out in the break room at work, or blowing the froth off a couple of cold ones with your buddies.
The flexibility of pirate jokes stems from their whimsy. For example, funny pirate jokes for kids are one of the first things that come to mind when looking at swashbuckling humor. Kids’ jokes are not just for children, but they have a simpler setting and are generally more straightforward jokes. Additionally, pirate jokes effortlessly evolve into pirate dad jokes. Dad jokes about pirates are so bad that walking the plank becomes an appealing option.
No joke set is complete without both clean and dirty jokes, and pirate humor is no exception. Clean pirate jokes are those that may not have any obscenities but remain unsuitable for younger ears. Dirty pirate jokes, on the other hand, have no boundaries and no restrictions. If you are a connoisseur of obscene and dirty humor, pirate jokes are a veritable treasure trove of material.
Funny pirate jokes vary greatly in length, from longer, narrative-driven jokes through nautical knock-knock jokes down to cheeky pirate one-liners. Pirate jokes capitalize on the stereotypical image of pirate sailors and captains alike. Swashbuckling staples such as wooden legs, hooked hands, and a love for booty feature heavily in many pirate jokes.
Adding pirate jokes to your humor library is a great idea for both landlubbers and seafarers. Pirates are relatable and conjure a strong image in the minds of young and old alike. This level playing field allows for jokes to be told across a wide audience spectrum, making them great fodder for material. Pirate jokes are the kind of jokes you can tell without fear, well, except for the really dirty pirate jokes. Below, we uncover the hidden treasure of pirate jokes.
10 of the best pirate jokes from across the seven seas
The best pirate jokes are nonsensical nautical knee-slappers that encompass adventure and amusement. A pirate’s life is full of whimsy, danger, and swashbuckling antics that make for great comedy material. The best pirate jokes are appropriate for a variety of situations and senses of humor. Additionally, pirate jokes are instantly relatable because everybody conjures up a near-identical image when asked to picture a pirate. The best pirate jokes are straightforward and show that jokes do not need to be complicated or politically slanted in order to be funny.
Below are 10 of the best pirate jokes ever told.
1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!
2. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.
4. What’s a pirate’s favorite type of music?
Rum & Bass!
5. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.
6. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.
7. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.
8. Why did the pirate go on holiday?
Because they needed a little aarrrr & aarrrr.
9. What’s a pirate’s favorite fish supper?
Pieces of skate!
10. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”
The pirate replies: “No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here.”
8 great pirate jokes for kids
Pirate jokes for kids are a staple of pirate humor that are suitable for younger audiences. Kids have a romanticized view of pirate life, and that naturally lends itself to creating comedy gold. When it comes to telling jokes, kids are a great audience who appreciate the simplicity of humor. Good pirate jokes for kids use puns, general plays on words, and a degree of obviousness that makes the jokes so funny.
Below are 8 fantastic pirate jokes for kids of all ages.
11. Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they just arrrrr!
12. What does the pirate say when his leg gets stuck in the freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
13. How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?
Just a buck-an-ear.
14. Why’d the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!
15. What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?
Aye matey years old!
16. Dad: Pirates only had 10 letters in their alphabet.
Kid: Really?
Dad: Yes, I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
17. Where do pirates play video games?
The arrrrghcade!
18. What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved.
7 groan-worthy pirate dad jokes
Pirate dad jokes are eye-rolling jokes that are commonly told by fathers. Pirate dad jokes are extremely corny and border on stupidity, which is exactly what makes them so funny. Dad jokes about pirates require skill to tell because of their simplicity, making the timing and manner of delivery even more important. These slightly cringe but mostly endearing jokes are appropriate for telling at family gatherings, social events, or around the dinner table.
Below are 7 classic, if not groan-worthy, pirate dad jokes.
19. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
20. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
21. How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg.
22. What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?
Robin Hook.
23. Why do pirates love algebra?
Because they love looking for X.
24. How do pirates get down from a ship’s mast?
They can’t – you only get down from a goose.
25. Why does the pirate carry his sword?
Because swords can’t walk!
7 squeaky clean pirate jokes
Clean pirate jokes are seaworthy wisecracks that are appropriate for all ages. Pirates are known for their disorder and raucous spirits, but their seafaring lifestyle lends itself to more wholesome witticisms. Adults often overlook clean jokes, because they thrive on cursing and double-entendres. Clean pirate jokes breathe fresh life into any comedic repertoire. Additionally, those fonder of adult jokes are sure to find that adding a few clean pirate jokes into your routine helps give their vulgar jokes a greater pop.
Below are 7 squeaky-clean pirate jokes that are suitable for an audience of all ages.
26. What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.
27. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend their whole life at C.
28. How do ye turn a pirate furious?
Take away the “p.”
29. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!
30. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.
31. What do pirates wear when it gets really cold?
Long Johns.
32. Why did the pirates get divorced?
Because they were always AARRRRRguing.
10 dirty pirate jokes to make you smile
Dirty pirate jokes encompass adult themes and use explicit or suggestive language. We’re not talking jokes about bad hygiene while out at sea, either. Dirty pirate jokes are crude and, at times, downright vulgar. Adding dirty pirate jokes to your comedy rotation is risky and requires you to be careful when and where you break them out. Dirty jokes about pirates have a niche audience. Find that audience, and you’re routine will have them rolling on the floor in laughter. Get it wrong, and you risk causing great offense to anybody present.
Below are 10 dirty pirate jokes only suitable for those with an equally dirty mind.
33. Why did female pirates never mark their treasure maps with an X?
Because they knew the men would never find it if they marked it with a G!
34. A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks, “What do you guys use when you get horny?”
The captain says: “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that.”
Guy: “Great, when can I use it?”
Captain: “You can use it any day of the week except Tuesday.”
Guy: “Why not Tuesday?”
The captain grinned and said: “Cause that’s your day in the barrel.”
35. A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants.
The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!”
36. Why do pirates love ‘R’ rated movies?
Because they get to see all the booty!
37. Why did the pirate get a gym membership?
“So he could improve his booty and his chest.”
38. What did the pirate say to the flying hooker?
“Land ho.”
39. What did the Pirate say to his girlfriend on their first date?
“Would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?”
40. What’s a pirate’s favorite kink?
Pegging.
41. A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really….”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “Well, it was my first day with the hook.”
42. Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?
Under his bucking hat.
7 hilarious booty jokes you’ll be dying to repeat
Booty jokes have a natural double meaning that lends itself well to all forms of humor and pirate jokes. Pirate booty jokes are both clever and simple, depending on the ones you choose to add to your repertoire. Pirates love booty, and your friends are going to love your pirate booty jokes. Make sure you practice delivering pirate booty jokes because you don’t want to make an ass of yourself.
Below are 7 hilarious booty jokes that will get people twerking with joy!
43. Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?
Because booty is only shin-deep!
44. Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs?
Because they have all the booty they can handle already!
45. Were pirates tits or ass men?
Ass. They knew it was about the quality of the booty above the size of the chest.
46. How do pirates cover their booty?
With plunderwear.
47. What’s a pirate’s least desirable body type?
A sunken chest with no booty.
48. Why did the pirate wear camouflage underwear?
To hide his booty.
49. Why do pirates love a big booty?
Because they spell thiccccccc with seven c’s.
6 terribly bad pirate jokes you can’t help but laugh at
Bad pirate jokes are the kind of jokes you know you shouldn’t laugh at but can’t resist. Comedians wanting to become masters of bad pirate jokes need to focus on understanding the art of deadpan delivery. Intentionally bad jokes mean that even more importance is placed on the manner of delivery.
Below are 6 awfully bad pirate jokes you will be retelling for years to come.
50. What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.
51. What is a pirate’s LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir,
We are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.
Sincerely,
Internet Provider
52. Why do pirates not like crying in public?
Because they believe they are private-tears.
53. A slice of pie was 3 dollars in Puerto Rico, 3 dollars in the Dominican Republic, and 5 in Cuba.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
54. How come the pirate found it easy to recite the tongue twister: “Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese”?
Because he was used to the 7 Cs.
55. Why are pirates good at singing?
Because they can hit the high seas!
9 snappy pirate one-liners
Pirate one-liners are the ultimate test of a comedian’s skill. One-liners only give you the bare minimum, with which you are expected to get a laugh. Pirate one-liners are short and sharp and often play on words in a whimsical way that leaves people groaning at the knowledge they should have beaten you to the punchline. Becoming an effective pirate one-liner user takes time and practice. Don’t build your entire set around short jokes, but rather sprinkle them. Make pirate one-liners as rare as mermaids in order to get the most out of their delivery.
Below are 9 short and snappy pirate one-liners that will stick in your memory.
56. What did one pirate say to the other?
“I sea you!”
57. What is the pirate’s favorite subject in school?
Arrrt.
58. What did the pirate lawyer use to win a case?
Solid Arrrguments.
59. What do you call a pirate who’s addicted to pumpkin spice?
A squashbuckler.
60. A money-savvy pirate buys his ship when it is on sail.
61. Did you know that the plank is a pirate’s least favorite exercise!
62. A pirate’s favorite musical instrument is the guitarrrrrr!
63. Never box against a pirate; they have fantastic hooks!
64. 3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.
3 classic pirate knock-knock jokes
Pirate knock-knock jokes are a classic joke set-up with a pirate twist. Pirates spent most of their lives at sea, so it’s not likely they had many random people come calling. At least, not without firing cannons at them first. However, the pirate knock-knock jokes that do exist have an undeniable quality to them. There is nothing not to love about pirate knock-knock jokes because they are easy to remember and include the classic corny punchline.
Below are 3 classic pirate knock-knock jokes.
65. Knock knock,
Who’s there?
Turner.
Turner who?
Turner round to see the pirate behind you.
66. Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Garden.
Garden Who.
I’m garden the treasure.
67. Knock knock
Who’s there?
Scally.
Scally who?
Scallywag!
6 chuckle-inducing sailor jokes
Sailor jokes are an alternative to traditional pirate jokes and entail all seafaring adventurers. Good sailor jokes play on several aspects of seamanship and, as such, have a predictable yet often overlooked punchline to them. The simple nature of sailor jokes opens up your jokes to more than just pirates, but to a variety of sailors, smugglers, others in maritime professions, should you be so inclined.
Below are 6 chuckle-inducing sailor jokes that will crack more than a few smiles.
68. What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
69. How did Viking sailors communicate?
They used Norse code.
70. What kind of boat do sailors learn their trade on?
An apprenticeship.
71. When is a sailor not a sailor?
When he is aboard!
72. Why were all the sailors only on the front of the ship?
Because otherwise, they’d get astern talking to.
73. Why do sailors love eating carrots with every meal?
They help them sea better!
5 pirate captain jokes worth walking the plank for
Pirate captain jokes are offical business and will draw out waves of laughter. Adding pirate captain jokes to your comedy routine is a risk that’s worth taking if you get away with it. Everybody knows that pirate captains were fearsome characters who could not be trusted. That makes them the perfect target for jokes. Pirate captain jokes are not the most common source of jokes; however, they are responsible for a few crackers!
Below are 5 pirate captain jokes that are worth risking a walk along the plank to tell.
74. Why did the pirate captain have long hair?
Because he didn’t like crew cuts
75. Why did the captain wear a suit and tie?
He had a cor-pirate meeting.
76. What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school?
Captain Hooky!
77. What did the first mate see down the toilet?
The Captain’s log!
78. Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Crew: I I captain.
5 sea-worthy pirate ship jokes
Pirate ship jokes are an extremely niche topic of humor to have at the helm. Loose lips sink ships, but good pirate ship jokes help keep everybody’s spirits afloat. Throughout history, pirates were feared for their battling mentality and their giant ships. Pirate ship jokes twist that storied history around for some easy-to-remember, smile-inducing jokes.
Below are 5 sea-worthy pirate ship jokes that never fail to get a few laughs.
79. How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?
He bought it on sail.
80. What do you call a pirate ship after the crew commits mutiny?
A crew’s-ship.
81. What does the cook on a pirate ship say?
Sizzle me timbers!
82. It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships.
It’s because they have a really high R number.
83. Did you hear about the pirate ship caught by the Ottoman Empire and tried for thievery?
Regrettably, all hands were lost.